The Primate Awards
Being the celebrity species, humans rarely give a second thought to other species, even those in their own family. They spend almost no time with their immediate family—the Great Apes—and they barely even know the names of their extended family, the rest of the primates. Some humans go so far as to flat out deny any relation to their siblings and cousins.
But the fact is, there are 423 other species in the primate order, each of them currently existing and doing something, and we can't ignore them forever.
To bring some rare attention to our forgotten roots, we're hosting the first annual Primate Awards. Winners will receive either a banana bunch or a grasshopper, depending on their species' diet.
The Primate Awards
Most Theatrical Primate
Winner: The Sifaka
Primate in the Most Despair
Winner: The Colobus
On any given day, at any given moment, whatever you're doing, somewhere out there the colobus is in total despair. We hoped winning this award might cheer him up, but it only made him more crestfallen.
Primate Who Would Be Most Shocked If You Gave Them a Mirror
Winner: The Mandrill
The Mandrill thinks he looks like this:
And why would he assume otherwise? Those are normal monkey colors, and as far as he knows, he's a normal monkey.
But he actually looks like a clown:
No one has had the guts to say something to him yet, which is probably for the best.
Primate With the Most Vacation Days
Winner: The Japanese Macaque
Every time I see these guys, they're in the fucking hot tub. Not sure how they pulled this off, but they've really got it all worked out.
Primate That Could Kind of Pass for an Unattractive, Dumb, Weird-Acting Human
Winner: The Bonobo
Bonobos are very close to being dumb humans. Look at this dude roasting marshmallows like it's no big deal.
Primate That Would Look Normal Except One Ridiculous Feature Ruins Everything
Joint Winners: The Proboscis Monkey and The Uakari
Let's start with the proboscis monkey.
Check out the pictures below. Pretty normal monkey, right?
Nope!
Now check out the uakari. Before you scroll down, try to picture what a normal head might look like.
Whatever you pictured, I guarantee it was not a tiny red human fetus head:
Disturbing, right? It literally looks like a sixth grader photoshopped a goblin head on top of a monkey photo for a Halloween card.
Sassiest Primate
Winner: The Baby Orangutan
The baby orangutan stunned everyone by taking home the award this year, especially the white-cheeked gibbon, who was unavailable for comment.
Primate You'd Want Around Your Daughter the Least
Winner: The Patas Monkey
That's not really a face you ever expect to see on a non-human, and it makes the patas monkey the last primate you want anywhere near your daughter. We'd all prefer not to know what goes on in the dark corners of the patas monkey's mind.
Most Appalled Primate
Winner: The Indri
You'd think by now the indri would have gotten used to the way things are, but he's still appalled by everything.
Most Artistically Tortured Primate
Winner: The Cotton-Top Tamarin
Narrowly edging out the red-faced spider monkey for the victory, the cotton-top tamarin is a Beethoven-level musical genius, but no one has noticed.
Primate With the Most Excessive Face
Winner: The Alpha Male Orangutan
Christ, alpha male orangutan, get ahold of yourself. This is what happens when evolution is left completely unregulated. For male orangutans, the bigger the face, the better chance of getting laid—and now the male orangutan population has out-faced each other into total absurdity.
Biggest Disaster of a Primate
Winner: This Particular Alpha Male Orangutan
The only primate to win two awards today, this particular alpha male orangutan is just an utter disaster.
Most Cartoon-Like Primate
First, let's take a second to recognize the runner-up, the hapless slow loris.
Moving onto the winner, we have the primates' joke species, the tarsier—
This is the package the tarsier is presenting us with today, apparently finding no need to act like a legitimate creature.
Mafia Boss of the Primates
Well it turns out that the gorilla is only the henchman for the real mafia boss.
Winner: The Ring-Tailed Lemur
Most Awkward Color Difference Between Parent and Kid
Whenever you're with a silver langur, the elephant in the room is that her child is a bright orange, sphere-headed creature blatantly not of the same species. The Silver Langur refuses to acknowledge that anything is weird about the situation, and the rest of us know to just not bring it up.
Primate Most Like an Irish Mythical Character
So now we have the elf, the leprechaun, and this little orange gnome of a monkey who sometimes gives you the finger. I would say that owning one would be my ultimate fantasy, but...
Primate I Want to Own More Than I Want Anything Else in the World
Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? When I discovered pictures of this creature, I fell deep into a Wikipedia spiral about them, learning among other things that the pygmy marmoset, or finger monkey, is A) smart, even for a monkey, B) lives 12 years or more, and C) can jump up to 16 feet.
Living with one would be a dream. Just imagine having dinner together, him at the table in a tiny high chair. Or being together on an airplane, him strapped into a one-inch seatbelt in the seat next to you. You'd tuck him in at night into his bed made from an Altoid tin. This is now the only thing that matters to me.
Primate Most Identical to Meryl Streep
Scientists were shocked when in 2007, they discovered this previously unknown monkey that looks and acts exactly like Meryl Streep.
Primate Most Identical to Michael Jackson
Fucked up, right?
Primate Most Identical to George W. Bush
Moving on...
Most Embarrassing Primate
A true loser, the white-faced saki is someone all primates are ashamed to admit is part of their family. His relatives are also pretty sick of his face looking so detached from the rest of his body. And just when everyone thought things couldn't get worse, he decided to grow a goatee.
Best Disney Movie Bad Guy Primate
No photoshopping here—there's actually a distant cousin of yours that looks that evil. As if his intensely sinister face wasn't enough, he's actually wearing a bad guy overcoat at all times.
Primate Most Going Through a Terrible Struggle that No One Else Understands
No one knows what the aye-aye's issue is, but he's really going through some shit. The gollum of the primate world might have an intense paranoia problem, but it also could be that he knows some horrible truth the rest of us don't. For now, probably a good guy to stay away from.
If you've had enough looking in the mirror for today and want to laugh at someone else's family, see The Bunny Manifesto.
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Hahahaha! This is amazing! The pic of the "sassy" baby orangutan killed me :) Great post
ReplyDeleteTears of laughter. Such great picture choices. Next stop bunnies.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant post once again. thank you!
ReplyDeleteApe-fan
I usually love your stuff and this article was great too until--rapiest? Rapey? Why is that something to make light of? Why would you even go there?
ReplyDeletegive me a fucking break
DeleteIf he didn't look so rapey, I wouldn't have had to use that word. In any case, it turns out there was an even more accurate description.
DeleteUnfortunately, there's no better adjective for what he's describing here than "rapey." (while "murderous" can be used to describe the homicidal tendency, there is no parallel descriptive for the word "rape"). And while "rapey" (or "rapiest") may not be an actual word, I think that "Mr. Wait But Why" has consistently made effective (and appropriate) use of this neologism both here and in a number of his other posts (very notably the one about creepy kids in creepy ads, wherein he describes ads featuring "roly-poly rosey-cheeked rapey-looking four-year-old boys").
DeleteIf you are offended there are many other blogs to read. It is unfortunate that the author caved from one complaint. This kind of shaming is a form of censorship. If someone had said, "Hey, I don't like her quasi-smile" should da Vinci have repainted the Mona Lisa?
DeleteVery true. Commenters yell at me a lot and I'm usually very uncavey about it. This time it was mostly cause I decided I liked the new description more anyway.
DeleteI love your posts every week. Every Tuesday a few of us at the office get together and read them together for a good laugh. Makes for a good Tuesday.
ReplyDeleteThat both makes me happy and stressed out cause it's extra dickish now if I post late.
DeleteLaughed out loud and referenced this post on Gunsmoke and Knitting. Meryl Streep made me choke.
ReplyDeleteI think I want to be a japanese snow monkey now
ReplyDeletePlease somebody do something with the face of the Uakari... NOW!!!
ReplyDeleteamen to that
DeleteHello Wait but Why! :D
ReplyDeleteAs a matter of fact I am writing an English essay in high school (in Denmark) about your article "Why Generation Y Yuppies are Unhappy" I myself is a generation Y Yuppie, so it was very interesting to read for me, and yet I was provoked by your way of referring to my generation.. But after reading it i figured it was a great wake-up-call. Thank you!
Anyway: My actual question for you is, are you male or female?
- Because it is hard to tell from your artist name, and i need to refer to you not only by this name. (: Please just give me a quick answer, I myself am female.
When you said you were writing an essay on the article and then you said you had a question I was all nervous it was gonna be a hard question, but that was incredibly easy. I'm male. Good luck with the essay!
DeleteThank you so much! :D (I thought so) ;D Keep up the good work!
DeleteLOL. Me likey!!
ReplyDeleteHilarious post BUT as a primatologist: PLEASE DO NOT PROMOTE HAVING NONHUMAN PRIMATES AS PETS. They do not make good pets and there are many other reasons that make it a bad idea (animal well-being, conservation, the heinous aspects of the primate pet trade, etc. etc.). Thank you!!
ReplyDeleteWhat about having human primates as pets?
DeleteThat finger monkey is choo cute that I'm gonna die!! :D
ReplyDeleteThe Aye Aye is actually a marsupial, not a primate. Thats is all.
ReplyDeleteThis post made me cry laughing. My ten year old couldn't understand why until she saw the mafia-boss one, and she was all 'OMG MOM THAT TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE POP!". (my dad, aka goon in a suit)
ReplyDeleteYou make learning fun.
ReplyDeleteVisual, entertaining fun... Wish school was like that. I'd bring you an apple every day! Thanks so much madly amusing one!